My Rape Story

Jaded16’s Note: Heavy trigger warnings for child rape, molestation and other PTSD symptoms and language.

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I was 12 or 13 years old, back in ’72 or ’73.   It was summer.  I played outside with my friends and did whatever young boys do, with time on their hands and no supervision.  My friend Bob and I were outside goofing around.  We ran into Jimmy, a man who lived in the neighborhood.  He was tall, thin, had a mustache and long hair, in his late 20’s or early 30’s.  He often said hello to me as he walked by.  Bob and I saw him and we got to talking.  There was a forest preserve across the street from my house, where I often played.  As we walked along talking, we entered the woods. I had no reason to be suspicious.   I was always in those woods.

Somehow, Jimmy and I became separated from Bob.  We were alone in the woods.  He told me that he wanted to tell me a joke, but that we should go further up the hill, away from the path.  Once we were away from the path by a good measure, he told me that he wanted me to “do him a favor”.  I had become nervous, but I was too frightened to move.  I feared that I might upset him if I did.  I began to think in my mind as to how I might control this situation.  But, I was not the one in control.

By now, he had a hold of me and was pulling me to the ground.  He said that he wanted to “lean on me” I didn’t know what it meant, but I was terrified. He pulled me down and his grip was very strong.   I remember thinking of what I might be able to say, to make him think that I was not going to run and at the same time, get free of his grip.  I remember pleading with Jimmy, begging him to stop, to let me go.  He was still trying to get me to lie down and was taking off his shirt or something.  I remember him loosening his belt and pants.  I remember him dropping his pants.  It was all happening so fast and I didn’t know what to do.  I was crying and asking for him to stop, but he wouldn’t stop.

Then, I think we heard Bob on the trail, looking for us.  Jimmy still had me, but now he was asking me to promise to keep this a secret.  Not to tell anyone.  I was so frightened but I was so relieved that I might be able to get away from this place in the woods.  I promised him that I would.  Suddenly, I was aware that I was free from Jimmy’s grip.  I felt as if I had come back from the grave.   I saw light returning to the forest.  I could hear things…birds, cars, planes.

I found Bob, and Jimmy came up right behind me.  I didn’t tell Bob anything right there.  He looked at my eyes and we just got out of there.  We separated from Jimmy and he asked me what the hell happened.  I told him and he said that he thought as much.  We discussed what to do…go to the police, tell our parents…what?  We didn’t tell anyone.  We were pretty sure that we were the ones that would get in big trouble.  I was sure that I would. We told no one. I told no one – for years. I think that I told my parents about 15 years later, when we were all liquored up one night.

I was lucky that a friend came back to find me.  If he had run into another pal and taken off to do something else for a while, I might not even be here.

I saw Jimmy around the neighborhood a few times more and then not again. Bob and I stuck together for months.   I never went outside without knowing for a fact that Bob was around.  I felt lucky that my parents and nobody else knew.  I was a skinny kid and the common insult back then was ‘fag’.  I didn’t want to be called fag for the rest of my school days.   I didn’t want to be in trouble with my parents or police or have Jimmy come looking for me, if he found out I had told on him.

I pretended that it never happened, but it did.  It took me years – over a decade to admit that I was not the guilty one.  When I could bring myself to think about it, I was clear that Jimmy was not gay.   He was a child molester.  They are not the same thing.

My rape story is one that has some lucky breaks – I lived.  My story is a survivor’s story.  It has colored my world view.  I think that it allows me to stand one step closer into someone else’s shoes. Thousands of children go up into the woods every day and do not come home.  Children are raped and killed in every country in the world.  Children, barely able to think for themselves.

At the top of the human social ladder is .01% of the population running empires of weapons, oil, drugs, finance and bureaucracy that exists only to make them richer.  While at the very bottom of the pile, being starved, raped, mutilated, burned and murdered – are hundreds of thousands of children whose lives are forever shattered every day.

I don’t know how the world gets fixed, how the economy turns around, how jobs come back and how we fight terrorists.  I don’t know how anything gets solved.  I do know however, that I don’t know how to fix all this crap, all the lies and all the cruelty. I do believe that until the children are safe from the absolute worst of humanity, we have accomplished nothing.

P.S. Any comments or e-mails that discredit the views of the author will be deleted without much consideration. I will not entertain any e-mails complaining just why your horrendous crappy comment isn’t showing. If I still have to explain to you why is it important to hear survivor’s stories without any shaming or accusing the victim, then you need to exit this blog.

 

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16 Comments

  1. Thank you.

    Reply
  2. I am so sorry this happened to you! I deeply appreciate the bravery it takes, telling this story.

    Yes, there is so much pandering to this idea that “children are our most precious resource”, yet we still live in a world where children are the ones hit hardest in any bad situation that arises. I wish people would put their money, both literal and metaphorical, where their mouths are.

    Reply
    • sexgenderbody

       /  November 10, 2010

      Thanks for your kind words. The topic is not an easy one to talk about, but I genuinely believe that we need to. We need to talk about it until something is done, talking louder and louder still. Silence makes it possible for rapists to go free, for rape culture to continue.

      -arvan

      Reply
  3. Sorry to read about this. It is sad, absolutely downright depressing that children have to face such things.

    The last para says it:
    “I do believe that until the children are safe from the absolute worst of humanity, we have accomplished nothing.” True, so true!

    Reply
    • sexgenderbody

       /  November 11, 2010

      thanks shail!

      the thing about rape is that it’s all of us – women, children and men that are targeted. even so, I think that our report card as a society is measured in how we care for children.

      love your blog, btw.

      -arvan

      Reply
  4. Reached your blog after Shail shared this link. This is the story of millions of children. The difficult part is that the child – who is the real victim – for LIFE – feels too embarrassed or afraid to talk about this, while the culprit just walks away with his head held high. It is so disgusting. I wish a time would come when we do not have to fear so much. I think we need a law to be passed, that ANY form of molestation will be punished by the culprit being castrated!! If nothing, it will at least serve as a deterrent to other molesters!!

    Reply
    • sexgenderbody

       /  November 11, 2010

      Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment.

      I have, at times in my life, felt the same level of rage and desire for retribution that you mention. Personally, I’ve lost faith in ability of castration / death penalty / torture / beatings to act as any sort of deterrent.

      While there are many conversations about the merit of violence under any situation, my thoughts arise from the more practical question of “what might actually work to reduce violent acts?”

      I don’t really believe that anyone in the middle of a rape is going to stop to consider what might happen if they get caught, tried and convicted.

      In the case of rape, which I can consider as a sub-function of the larger questions of societal values, I ask myself “who rapes and why?”. This takes me right into the conversation for “what is rape?” and that leads to the many ways in our social structures where rape and assault are permissible. For example, up until 50 years ago, no country on the planet would prosecute a man for raping *his* wife. Most still don’t. Another example is murder – if one person kills another for their own reasons, it’s murder. If thousands of people kill hundreds of thousands because some old man wants mineral rights, it’s patriotism.

      The point is that rape, like murder – is defined not by fact but by societal agreement. In other words, we tell rapists that rape is OK under certain circumstances, just as we do with murder.

      Some violent individuals will always be violent, no matter what. However, if we really want to lower rape and murder, then we need to address the inequality of race, sex, class, language that we accept blindly under the assumption that it is our culture, our religion or “just the way things are”.

      -arvan

      Reply
  5. Came over from Shail’s blog. I think it takes immense courage to be able to come in terms with something so disturbing that happens in one’s childhood. I think it leaves a lifelong mark on a person.

    As you say, if you do not have compassion and the power to stop atrocities against children, we really are not getting anywhere with society.

    Reply
    • sexgenderbody

       /  November 11, 2010

      I don’t know if I heard this somewhere or made it up on my own, but I think of rape as a murder where the victim lives with the crime.

      -arvan

      Reply
  6. http://tikulicious.wordpress.com/2010/04/10/child-abuse-prevention-month-post-april-a-daughters-letter-to-her-parents/

    http://tikulicious.wordpress.com/2009/03/23/in-silence-i-suffer-hidden-hurt-of-dv-male-victims/

    http://tikulicious.wordpress.com/2009/12/18/poem-a-childhood-lost-2/

    Hello
    I came from Shail’s link.
    It takes immense courage to come out and speak about the trauma but as you rightly say till the time we remain silent such incidents will keep occurring and the culprits will walk away looking for yet another victim.
    It is easy to sympathize but to reach out and do something constructive to stop this takes guts.
    I have shared a few links here. I hope more people will raise their voices and make the world a better and safe place for the children.

    Reply
  7. Sorry about what happened and it is good that you came out with the story. I have known people who jeer at male sexual abuse victims, who think that just because the person has been abused, it has altered their sexuality (amazingly, a woman loses her purity/virginity when she is raped, not her womanhood, but a man according to the rest of the world loses his manhood, he suddenly is considered gay). At the same time, it is important that you have someone who would understand and empathise, you had a good friend and I think you know how lucky that was. Without someone to talk to sometimes people hold it in for years and festering wounds colour your life forever.

    Reply

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