An Open Post To All Sadsacked Losers Out There

Author’s Note : BLOG! reading people I have an important announcement to make – My SuperAwesomeFriend is still feeling blue. This week to add to her personal crisis, there is a teeny problem at work too; I may have been responsible inadvertently for that. Just support me in my ongoing effort to make her feel better. She deserves it. If you laugh/frown/yell at your computer screen/make any facial expression because of my post, as a favour to me, leave her a smile or a joke. As a favour to you, I am ready to talk about anything (within the realm of reason)  you request me to. Leave your suggestions for my next post in the contact form given below and I will do my best to accommodate your wishes *waggles eyebrows*. You are also crowned the NewGooglePervie for taking a double entendre where there was none.

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Many, many moons ago when my Grandma advised  me to be very careful with the way I word things, especially my wishes, I took her words as one would have a well-worn cliché – openly acknowledging that yes indeed the said cliché happens to other people, just won’t happen to moi; because I was special. The “you are special”  speech I received in second grade when my mum tried to dissuade my hip new trend of reading books under my bench while the teacher droned about fractions has done more damage to my psyche than all my ImaginaryTherapists could ever diagnose. That being said, I didn’t really think wishes could come true. As a child growing up in India, my parents never had to lie to me about the existence of Santa Claus (thus giving me one less delusion then prescribed by the International Association Of Psychological Illnesses Parents Give To Children) You can imagine my surprise when the WishFairy got hold of my head and decided to dump all my UnWishes (as I fondly call them) on me in one week. Getting all most your wishes come can knock the wind out of any girl.

Most fairy tales we hear today are the second generation progeny of Hans Anderson, Grimm or La Fontaine. So I am guessing the afore mentioned WishFairy is sitting somewhere in Europe keeping track of everyone’s wishes. Maybe the trans-atlantic static is dappling my UnWishes or its a clear case of a cross-connection. You will see dear BLOG! reading person what I mean in a few minutes. See the following list kind BLOG! reading person.

  1. As a top-notch ranter, there have been many occasions when people who have the misfortune of being within speaking distance of me, people who are obligated to listen to me as prescribed by the Handbook Of Obligatory Parenthood (known as HOOP for short) on page 2, “Parents are required to listen to their loin fruit at all times. If you don’t want to listen to loin fruit, Parents have the option to keep said loins in iron shackles” have been the victims avid listeners of my rants. To spite me, one of you evil people must have surely forwarded my LadyLike grumbling to the WishFairy. Next time you do so, make sure you hear me correctly. I remember accurately that I said “I need a break from my nincompoop-y routine. I really need some rest”. You seem to have told the WishFairy to put me on BED-REST. Somehow, resting when I am forced to and not when I want to, just takes the fun out of mooching off people. Though, bossing people around and mocking those who are at my beck and call is fun. Only till they start looking at me as if I am the one responsible for the shooting pain in their eyes that is. That is when I realise how Proust must have felt growing up.
  2. At an extremely young and impressionable age, I was bitten by a radio-active spider (sound familiar?) that makes me leap towards books like my CeleryStick of a cousin on the treadmill after ingesting more than 100 calories-a-day (by the way BLOG! reading people, I am not making fun of anorexia or anyone with an eating disorder. I do invite you to help me tempt my CeleryStick of a cousin to eat a slice of buttered bread though) People are always impressed at my ability to sniff out the best books from the shoddiest of places and the best bargains. At least, that is what I take their muttering under the breath to be when I have taken a (yet) another detour to feed my-book-a-day radio-active spider-y needs. As I lie comatose after watching too many insipid soap operas in my bed as an existential rebellion to the world’s problems, a tiny silver invite comes to me announcing the biggest book sale since the one five weeks ago. The smug little invite mocks me from its spot under my pillow with the words “get surprise gift on showing invite”. Even if the surprise gift ends up being a pencil, I WANT it. After weeks of praying stalking the book-sale-people, I was given the invite. Now, it just laughs at me.
  3. I have grumbled too often that if I had the time, I would probably get to finishing my story I started months ago. As it turns out, there is more to write about hair/scalp issues than the thread I have at hand. And remember sweet BLOG! reading person, this isn’t Post-Story-Writing-Un-Confidence-Syndrome that attacks every unsure writer like every time my dog will want to lick his nether jewels when he thinks no one is watching. This is the My-Story-Is-Sucktastic-And-Even-Shaw-Can’t-Make-A-Play out of syndrome that is looming over me. In such a fit of LadyEmotions, I deleted it. Now I am convinced it was a masterpiece that even Shakespeare would have been jealous of. I found a program that autosaves my writing for me, now I need one that will swat my hand away from the ‘Delete’ button I remember distinctly that I wished for writing a Nobel Prize winning novel, not deleting the same. (are you taking notes WishFairy?)
  4. I have asked repeatedly for guest posts on anything whatsoever that are devoid of misogyny, homophobia, trans-phobia or any other point of view that makes the author an over bearing half cabbage/half turnip but ALL of you troll-people have sent me heinous e-mails full of so much crap that the world’s fields will not need manure for a month.  My favourite is by zasgajdn titled “I am a CUSS-er” where CUSS stands for Comrade that Understands Sisters and Spinsters. The words you just read weren’t invented by me, trust me, I would have used something original (case in point – Comprehender of Ubiquitous Sisterly Suffragettism)
  5. After my infamous cooking mishap of ’09, I have wished fervently to stay away from cooking shows/cook books or the kitchen. Turns out, the WishFairy was in desperate need of entertainment this week and sparkled her FairyDust over me that made me hypnotised me into believing that I could make toast. The toast went in, but while coming out, it started hissing and so did I. We yodeled each other out for quite some time (the toaster won though). After some innovative cursing, I stabbed the monstrous toaster with a fork and it is still stuck like that. My sister has officially crowned me the “Appliance LadyKiller Of ’10”. I wish to withdraw all my wet dreams about cooking like Meryl Streep in Julie  & Julia.

If anyone of you BLOG! reading people ever meet the oft-talked about FairyQueen, give her a swift kick in the shins. Then she will know how it feels to be me. Also, I promise to sublimate all my above mentioned desires that into becoming the Lady-That-Killed-The-Wish-Fairy. You will thank me someday.

{Dear BLOG! reader person read for subtexts of absolute madness in the post. This is what happens when you lock put  Jaded16 in a house on mandatory BED-REST. Also fill out the contact form letting me know what you want me to talk about in the next post}

P.S. One wish that I wanted did come through the way I wanted it. I got published in Womanist Musings! Again! Too bad I am too sick to enjoy it. Story of my life. Psst.

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7 Comments

  1. Peg

     /  April 21, 2010

    🙂 May your friend lose the blues, and feel uplifted again.

    Reply
  2. James

     /  April 21, 2010

    Haha thanks for making my day. Trust you to take mundane things of the day and make them funny. Zany wit-work this time around!

    @ SuperAwesomeFriend – Hugs and nice smelling flowers

    Reply
  3. CrazyCatLady

     /  April 21, 2010

    How do you do it? Take random stuff and make it unbearably funny? I made my boyfriend read your blog and he liked it! One more follower!

    I really loved this line – “Though, bossing people around and mocking those who are at my beck and call is fun. Only till they start looking at me as if I am the one responsible for the shooting pain in their eyes that is. That is when I realise how Proust must have felt growing up” I feel like keeping it with me forever and read it when I need a laugh.

    @ SuperAwesomeFriend – I wish you tubs and tubs of warm feelings!

    Reply
  4. Peter

     /  April 21, 2010

    “Comrade that Understands Sisters and Spinsters” Haha this was really funny! though I liked your words way better!

    @ SuperAwesomeFriend – Hope you feel better soon. Here’s a smile – 🙂

    Reply
  5. RachelB

     /  April 22, 2010

    Dear SuperAwesomeFriend, I offer you a stack of giggles, a pile of commiseration, and a virtual mug of the cozy and tasty beverage of your choice. I hope you’re feeling better soon.

    Reply
  6. yes here are some giggles! Giggle giggle giggle.

    I’m not very good at jokes… wait wait ok ok I got it I got it.

    So there’s these two guys ice fishing in Alaska. And they’re playing 20 questions. And the first guy is like, is it a salmon? And the second guy is like no. And then the first guy is like, is it a moosecock? And the second guy is like, “Yeah, it’s a moosecock”

    Get it? Moosecock?

    So it’s not funny so that makes it funny, right?!!! riiight? ……..

    chirp…. chirp

    Reply
  7. Quercki

     /  April 23, 2010

    A joke for your friend.

    A person asked hir partner, who was a computer programer, to go to the store to buy a loaf of bread. “And if they have eggs, please get a dozen.”

    The partner returned with 12 loaves of bread.

    Why?

    “Well, you asked me to get a loaf of bread and you said, if they had eggs, I should get a dozen.”

    Reply

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