After living in a caffeine bubble for my whole life the last two weeks, my brain has adjusted to a whole new way of looking at things. For instance, my eyes don’t adjust to normal vision until I have hooked my system with a snort of caffeine every morning. Each morning I am at my weakest – totally blind and my BrainCells are asleep. This is generally the time when my friends, foes and family snicker evilly to themselves and ask for favours. There are countless some things I may have done/agreed to doing this morning without caffeine in my system ; after my first brush with caffeine I wake up to realise what I just agreed to is probably the worst idea known to humankind.
Exhibit A : I promised a friend I’d help her shop for books and abide for my self-imposed no-buying-new/old new books rule. I should have known this was as impossible as wishing my CeleryStick of a cousin would eat a slice of buttered bread (She gulps air and feels full!). I am now the proud owner of Gorky’s Mother and Alice Munro’s Dance Of The Happy Shades while my friend is still wondering which book she needs to buy.
Exhibit B : I was manipulated blackmailed asked to re-activate my Facebook account after a year of protesting against it (What part of legal poking is fun to you?). I violated my rule # 8974 Section D-12 “To never activate my Facebook account under any amount of flattery, coaxing or pressure. If I do otherwise my eyes will kill themselves”. The first thing I get hit by is this picture. And I decided to never set foot in Facebook again. End Scene. Though it helped release my inner sanctum of crabbiness on the entire world – which was wholly deserving of my crabbiness in my defense – I was left with a feeling of complete loss in humanity. Well the boy section of humanity anyway. (This picture was a boy’s idea of humour. The consequent rant-a-e-mail that I sent him was my version of funny).
Exhibit C : I decided to open my Spam box which was waving neon signs at my face as I tend to ignore it completely without coffee IV drip hooked in my arm . And along with breast enlargement ads, pamphlets to Vajazzalising salons, ads to buy cheap condoms – anyone besides me notice a pattern to my Spam mail? – I did find my first fan mail. At first, I was confused to see why was the e-mail in my Spam box. After reading three lines I saw why my darling little SpamSoldier decided the mail was unfit to reach my eyes. For the general pleasure of making my little corner of the world as nincompoop-free as possible, I’ve decided to re-post parts of the e-mail as well as have my deep insightful thought process alongside. Let the mockathon begin –
1) “… I like the way you write. It reminds me of a stand-up comedienne. Somehow, I don’t know HOW but you’re funny, being a girl and all. Well, I can see you’re an exception…obviously. Because when girls try to be funny, they just cannot be, you know funny” — Besides being the oh you know, the smartest guy on the planet to figure out repeating words can give the impression that you might know something after all, you are also – I’m sure every self-respecting woman would agree – a victim of the CabbageBrain syndrome. And you thought we Ladies couldn’t crack a smile. Look who’s laughing now?
2) ” … Though I think Feminism is a waste of time, I like the way you think. You don’t seem to be like those man-hating, unshaved freaks. I sometimes agree with what you say, though I think it would save you a lot of energy to talk about Feminism in every blog post, if you could just do what you do best – try to make people laugh” — What if I say I look like this?
What’s with looking like a perfectly shaved Barbie all the time? Sometimes I like that I look like The Yeti. At least that makes the number of nincompoops that I encounter that day far less than the day when I’ve been plucked, waxed and glazed like a shiny floor.
3) “… One thing that I’ve noticed about your blog is that it doesn’t come off as Indian at all. Which is why I was shocked to read that HPV vaccines post you made about YOUR government. That’s when I realised you were an Indian chick. You don’t sound Indian at all. Which is good” — Before I mention the CabbageBrain syndrome again – can you explain how does one sound anything at all on a blog? Unless you can hear Appu in your head all the time. If you mean that I don’t adhere to your fetish-ist version of Indian “chicks” who are subservient, seductive and absolutely submissive; if I’ve shattered your notion that Indian girls can think of things beyond marriage, children and cooking then I hope you don’t get hurt living outside a bubble. And if you think all Indian women can’t think beyond their wedding day and are constantly dreaming of looking like this picture, then I hope you have a nice time in La-La land as that is where you are headed.
4) “… I hope you continue writing. I like the way you think. Just these days you’re talking a lot about Feminism and that kind of things. I liked you better when you were critiquing movies. Maybe you should stick to that” — I am literally at a loss of words. Oh no, here are some : #*$%~>#, *&%@!*, #*$%~>#, *&%@!*#*$%~>#, *&%@!* and #*$%~>#*&%@!*.
Last words to my Fan –
Jaded16 sends you her @$&*^@~ best wishes and hopes that you’ll always stay out of her Inbox. For the sake of her sanity at least.
Learn from me people. If your SpamSoldier puts an e-mail out of your eyesight, it’s for a reason. Otherwise you’d spend your whole morning cursing yourself for –
- Opening the e-mail.
- Opening the e-mail without a cup of coffee in reach.
- Opening the e-mail when there is NO more coffee left in the house.
And next time one of you decide to write to me, make sure you’ve proofread for any Misogyny, Sexist leanings and Racial subtexts. Otherwise, the same thing will happen to the CabbageBrain up here. *Indian Warrior Woman ahem “Chick” always has the last word*.